Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

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One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.


I’m not worried about toilet paper, but if I go to the store and my coffee creamer is gone, we are going to have issues.


Me: I’m in the mood for dessert *winks at wife*

[2 hours later]

Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U

Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?


The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.


Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other


My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.


If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.


Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.

Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.


You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500


If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.