@envydatropic

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

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@simoncholland

One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.

@Divergentmama

I’m not worried about toilet paper, but if I go to the store and my coffee creamer is gone, we are going to have issues.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: I’m in the mood for dessert *winks at wife*

[2 hours later]

Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U

Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?

@LostFelicia

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

@AnOrangeSNES

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

@CM2BTTHD

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

@AbbyHasIssues

Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.

Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.

@dave_cactus

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

@SamGirlSunday

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.