Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
You Might Also Like
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
hi why am I like this
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Single and childfree like Jesus
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.