Good morning, Twitter 😊
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Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind