Good morning.
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before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
who did the taste test?
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?