Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they’re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.

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EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!

SUN: whatever

EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?

SUN: Physics


Thank you autocorrect for changing “we met in person” to “we met in prison”. This is going to be a wonderful family dinner. I can just feel it.


ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone


If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?


You look dirty, so does your toaster maybe you should both go for a bath… I’ll draw it


him: I like bad girls

me: [eating banana with peel on] I’m listening.


*a murder mystery party but backwards- where we, as a group, must decide who among us to murder and how*


{in the ER}
WIFE: My husband broke his leg
ME: From sex
W: He fell off a ladder
ME: During sex
W: While painting
ME: Painting sex


30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.