Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

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She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.


Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.

Me: OMG, what!?

Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.

Me: Phew.

Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!


My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy


I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.


Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.


At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”


Her: I’m going to the gym

Me: Bring me back something from the vending machine


[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”


ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible