Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
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Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
*limbos under the caution tape
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
[shakes fist at other fist]
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.