good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
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As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
found this cool rock hiking today
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.