Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
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Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.