@Smug_Lemur

Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol

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@carlyken

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.

@knotta_tardfan

I tried driving today without texting, eating or getting high but it was so boring I fell asleep at the wheel. Thanks, Oprah.

@onelongbender

When people tell me I’m intimidating, I generally just glare at them until they take it back.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

@NurseSeymour

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

@delusions_of

What I said: “Let’s get together sometime.” What I meant: “Please forget you ever saw me.”

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old loves wrestling with the family. He’s Hulk Hogan, I’m The Rock and our 1 year old is the folding chair.

@Kimgee8

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

@ArfMeasures

[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!

@divergentmama

It’s just like the old saying goes… the family that plays games together – doesn’t speak to each other for the rest of the night