Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
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I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Realize this:
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so