ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
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I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
“I am going on a trip.” “Mushrooms or acid?”
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
“I killed a man”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Coworker 1: I’m sick. Everyone stay away from me.
Me: Yeah, everyone stay away from me as well.
Coworker 2: Oh, are you sick too?