Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
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Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
don’t we all
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.