Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
You Might Also Like
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.