Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
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Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Is your wife single?
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”