Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
You Might Also Like
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees