Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
You Might Also Like
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
My birthstone is a marshmallow
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
peeping toms
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
checking out some reviews of my local library
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.