@QwertyJones3

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

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@boring_as_heck

Oh, I can’t check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You’re saying I have to carry-on my wayward son?

@HomeWithPeanut

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

@BadassBarbie11

Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.

@OGSeventy7

Yea autocorrect….I wanna luck your puddy and flick you in the asks.

Perfect

@ItsAndyRyan

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

@MelvinofYork

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

@PJTLynch

An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car

@bacon_gillepic

Y’all keep saying Columbus was a bad dude and he shouldn’t had a day, but y’all need to shut up because I like getting mattresses on sale