[makes a voodoo doll of himself]
[gives it a little back rub]
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
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Oh, I can’t check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You’re saying I have to carry-on my wayward son?
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.
Yea autocorrect….I wanna luck your puddy and flick you in the asks.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Y’all keep saying Columbus was a bad dude and he shouldn’t had a day, but y’all need to shut up because I like getting mattresses on sale