Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
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Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
i wish all
whales
a very
big
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing