Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
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*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Erm I’m gonna say no
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of