@WheelTod

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

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@RidiculousSheri

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

@poutinesmoothie

I once ate a Milk-bone as a kid and was happy I didn’t die so I celebrated by eating five more.

@sharpular

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

@truegritrumble

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

@Brianhopecomedy

I’m teaching my 2 year old about currency so I can figure out what coin she just swallowed.

@roggyie

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

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@Book_Krazy

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

@moose_chocolate

Music star Kenny Rogers announced his retirement yesterday.

In other news, Kenny Rogers is still alive, apparently.

@brynnester

Me: *making out with GF on couch* Your parents are out. Why don’t we take it up a notch?

Her Dad: *crashes in thru window* Touch that thermostat and you’re dead