Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
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In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
*praying for world peace*
God:
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”