Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
You Might Also Like
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
🤭😂