Oh, did my tweet insulting a celebrity upset you? Maybe you should tell them about it the next time you guys hang out.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
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This girl tweeted “You might be ghetto if you bring outside food into the movies.” …No, you might be stupid if you pay 4.99 for Skittles.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Cashier: find everything okay?
[comes back 5 hours later]
Me: [through the tears] i lied, i’ve been trying to find Kony since 2012
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Sometimes I open the refrigerator door with my foot just to impress my dog.