@mommajessiec

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

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@TheMichaelRock

Oh, did my tweet insulting a celebrity upset you? Maybe you should tell them about it the next time you guys hang out.

@mattwhitlockPM

This girl tweeted “You might be ghetto if you bring outside food into the movies.” …No, you might be stupid if you pay 4.99 for Skittles.

@DanMentos

“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”

@caliluvgirl77

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

@kelkulus

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

@BruceForce

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

@frogbunnie

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids

@LaziestCanine

Cashier: find everything okay?
Me: yes
[comes back 5 hours later]
Me: [through the tears] i lied, i’ve been trying to find Kony since 2012

@EyeSeeYou619

Sometimes I open the refrigerator door with my foot just to impress my dog.