Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
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PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
58.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
This could’ve been an email.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .