Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

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kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me: how did u get in my room again


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Honestly I’m so shit faced I have no idea.


The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.


2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say


I hope I get a good grade on my kids science project this year.


[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.


I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.


If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.


If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”