Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
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I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
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