I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
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Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I’m giving up ice.
Oops
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
This is the best one I’ve seen