Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@GrantTanaka

I just found out that his full name is actually Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.

@NikiWithIssues

If my calculations are correct, then someone else did them for me.

@Ndeshi_M

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

@jonnysun

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

@wilw

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

@jonnysun

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea

@Aikiwomannc

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.

@EJGomez

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

@Brianhopecomedy

I checked my phone while I was mowing the lawn and now we don’t have a garden.

@AndyAsAdjective

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!