@UncleDuke1969

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

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@DaHess1

I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.

@weinerdog4life

I scream, you scream, my puppet screams, my other puppet screams, the waiter screams, this is the worst first date ever

@WeissBrandon

I’d never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.

@elle91

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.

@MrIceMachine

Happy imagery of the day: A mouse dressed as a pirate sits on your shoulder while you work and pretends to steer you holding a potato-chip.

@AimeeHelene1

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?

God:

Centipede:

Snake: guys don’t tell me what?