Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

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Because ‘brunch’ sounds better than ‘I slept until 2pm, I have a hangover and I want pancakes.’


Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”


For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.


Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.


[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN


Me: i need some decoration for this cake

Store clerk: Icing?

Me: Yeah and I can beatbox, can we just focus on the cake?


My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.


Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?


her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it


I have a feeling his life would have gone in a different direction had his name been Kanye East.