I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.
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Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I scream, you scream, my puppet screams, my other puppet screams, the waiter screams, this is the worst first date ever
I’d never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Happy imagery of the day: A mouse dressed as a pirate sits on your shoulder while you work and pretends to steer you holding a potato-chip.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
pokes it in the eye