@AbbieEvansXO: Him: [handing me $20] here's your Christmas present Me: thanks [handing it back] here's yours

@AlexEllisdon: Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I'm a chicken magnet

@robotmouthfarts: Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can't convict with no murder weapon. It's the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.

@uccjeb: Just saw 666 on a license plate and, in case you guys were wondering, Satan drives a Jeep.

@torrami: Babysitting Pro Tip: Make them play Dungeons & Dragons until they love it so their parents will never have to worry about teenage pregnancy.