@UncleDuke1969
@Mirth_Quake
Because ‘brunch’ sounds better than ‘I slept until 2pm, I have a hangover and I want pancakes.’
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@Mirth_Quake
@Faux_Ma
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
@Ideal_Victoria
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
@0v3rthOught
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
@MavenofHonor
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
@sonictyrant
Me: i need some decoration for this cake
Store clerk: Icing?
Me: Yeah and I can beatbox, can we just focus on the cake?
@jamespianka
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
@jellybnbonanza
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
@GrantTanaka
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
@RefractReality
I have a feeling his life would have gone in a different direction had his name been Kanye East.