@Buffalojilll: [First day as a detective] Me *pouring a drink*: let's play never have I ever Murder suspect: Me: never have I ever shot a guy Suspect: Me: never have I killed guy... even by accident? *nudges their drink closer* Suspect: dude stop Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ

@ThugRaccoons: Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you. Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

@cakickboxher: Him: What's your sign? Me: Dollar

@Parker_Simpson: The year is 2065. Every adjective once used to describe another person is now deemed offensive. Noone's left their homes in years.

@Ndeshi_M: *goes to fabric store* Do you guys have boyfriend material?