Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

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*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*


ME: You could cut the tension with a knife



Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja


You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.


I thought my name was “Stop encouraging her” until I was 11.


[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.


boogeyman: lauraaa wake up im gonna EAT YOU

me: finally

boogeyman: what

me: let’s do this

boogeyman: well it’s not fun if you want it

me: look man do you see the state of the world right now either eat me or let me go back to sleep on this pile of chips

boogeyman: s..sorry


Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name


We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.