Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
“Good thing I guessed that today was probably a BYOB situation.”
-me, chaperoning the kindergarten field trip
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I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
A coffee table book, but it’s just pictures of me being forcibly awakened by the employees of various mattress stores across the country.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Got a cut on my arm, someone on Facebook sent me healing vibes and PRESTO! two weeks later the cut fully healed this is not a joke people
Imagine meeting the girl of your dreams and then finding out that she eats spaghetti with a knife.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Wait for it
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.