@BoozyMusic

“Good thing I guessed that today was probably a BYOB situation.”

-me, chaperoning the kindergarten field trip

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@T_Bonezzz_

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

@sssub23

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

@LoveNLunchmeat

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

@agathagotstoned

A coffee table book, but it’s just pictures of me being forcibly awakened by the employees of various mattress stores across the country.

@AngelaEhh

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

@looktothepickle

Got a cut on my arm, someone on Facebook sent me healing vibes and PRESTO! two weeks later the cut fully healed this is not a joke people

@garrettbarry70

Imagine meeting the girl of your dreams and then finding out that she eats spaghetti with a knife.

@clichedout

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*

@GlennyRodge

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.