Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

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Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.


If someone steals your identity, you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?


Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.


If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”


Accidentally left my phone at home, now I know how Kevin McCallister’s parents felt.


[first day as a masseuse]

Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”

Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”


Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.


I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.


Girls suck at cuddling.. 3 mins in they be like “I got a question and don’t lie”