Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
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We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.