Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
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I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?