my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Awesome parenting 😂
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
boat question
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.