Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
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I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Investing in beetcoin
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
They’re on their honeymoon
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.