Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
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My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.