Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
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Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
the three branches of government
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
i meant to share this earlier
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions