kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
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Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
When the stylist spins you back around
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
OMG 🤣🤣
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”