Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
You Might Also Like
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.