Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
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Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.