Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.

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Parenting 101

8: I’m worried dolphins will be become endangered.

Me: Every time you don’t clean your room a dolphin dies.


amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*


[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy


“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.


This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.


*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”


Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.


My phone always asks if I “trust this computer” like it knows something I don’t.


My favorite thing to say when a man offers me a drink is, “Of course I’ll have another…I AM drinking for two, after all!”


I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like–it was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.