@SamDeLanche

Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.

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@minkpinkustink

you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve

@ShortSleeveSuit

[fancy restaurant]

ME: *combs my beard with a fork*

HER: what the hell man

ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?

@ZombieProblms

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

@MissNaughty1801

*on the phone
Him: where are you?!
Me: I’m just waiting for the train
Him: hurry up
Me:…no problem. I’ll be waiting faster

@TragicAllyHere

Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips

@T_Bonezzz_

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

@50FirstTates

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

@TheAlexNevil

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

@RoastedPapad

[Interview]
HR – What are your strengths and weaknesses ?
Me – WiFi Password and WiFi Signal.