@SamDeLanche

Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.

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@rotten_mama

Parenting 101

8: I’m worried dolphins will be become endangered.

Me: Every time you don’t clean your room a dolphin dies.

@lincnotfound

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

@TweetsByKaylee

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy

@SentenceReduced

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

@Book_Krazy

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

@PaulyPeligroso

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

@delusions_of

My phone always asks if I “trust this computer” like it knows something I don’t.

@_Aynne_

My favorite thing to say when a man offers me a drink is, “Of course I’ll have another…I AM drinking for two, after all!”

@

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like–it was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.