@JasonNotEvil

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020

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@WritePlay

*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*

JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol

@Peteypops13

My doctor said NO drinking for 2 weeks,then we both laughed.

@SirEviscerate

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

@INDlAN_

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

@3sunzzz

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

@themiltron

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

@Sassafrantz

Me: There’s nothing better than a quiet evening out with friends after a hectic week.
Tequila: We’re gonna fight every girl in this bar!

@BarebakAssassin

Some people don’t realize how grateful they should be that I’m not allowed to carry a sword in public.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

@robfee

Being a DJ is tough because sometimes iTunes won’t open.