“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
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me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Try and stop me.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life