“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
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*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway