TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
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“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Me: Thanks for agreeing to do this session via Skype
Therapist: Right, are you in a safe place?
Me: *from inside my blanket fort* Yes, very
Wasps: bees, but not helping
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I just blocked myself. I’m not putting up with this shit either.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.