Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
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70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.