@dumbbeezie

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

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@CaptPinkbeard

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

@crouton_futon

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

@ramblinma

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: Thanks for agreeing to do this session via Skype

Therapist: Right, are you in a safe place?

Me: *from inside my blanket fort* Yes, very

@FilthyRichmond

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

@SortaBad

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

@TheRolo

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

@tsm560

I just blocked myself. I’m not putting up with this shit either.

@XplodingUnicorn

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.