Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

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TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?



“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”


Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”


Me: Thanks for agreeing to do this session via Skype

Therapist: Right, are you in a safe place?

Me: *from inside my blanket fort* Yes, very


People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!


There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.


Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]


I just blocked myself. I’m not putting up with this shit either.


My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.