Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
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I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Breaking news:
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone