Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
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If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…