Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

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Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!


One advantage of being a woman is no one can surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.


shave your dog in the winter so he stands out in the crowd. if you lose him u can easily describe him as the cold bald dog


Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.


*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time


Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.


party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which


boys love mysterious girls so don’t be afraid to show up to dates with a shovel and a smear of fresh blood on your collar