@SoulYodeler

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

You Might Also Like

@IvoryGazelle

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

@Emperor_Laykes

One advantage of being a woman is no one can surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

@mikealfredcaine

shave your dog in the winter so he stands out in the crowd. if you lose him u can easily describe him as the cold bald dog

@Smethanie

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

@MaxHooverDotBiz

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

@meganamram

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

@thewordy

boys love mysterious girls so don’t be afraid to show up to dates with a shovel and a smear of fresh blood on your collar