Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
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I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I am all good here, 😂😉
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.