Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
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*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
*serious situation*
My brain: