Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
You Might Also Like
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)