Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
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Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment