Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
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My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant