FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars. Goodnight weird guy who walks past my house on crutches every night. Goodnight house on crutches.
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[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
“why does this taste like chocolate”
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?