I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
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Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
why does this building look like a guilty dog
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.