@jazmasta: Goodnight moon, goodnight stars. Goodnight weird guy who walks past my house on crutches every night. Goodnight house on crutches.
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@Shen_the_Bird: me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up boss: hey we're in a meeting me: [avoiding eye contact] because they're being mean to me
@Izianikapani: Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
@Parkerlawyer: You scream "SWEEP THE LEG!" one time and all of a sudden you're "invited" to watch your kid's wrestling match from the parking lot.
@blacksab67: Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.