@jazmasta

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars. Goodnight weird guy who walks past my house on crutches every night. Goodnight house on crutches.

You Might Also Like

@MythicPicnic

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

@kcmoore51

*opens new donut shop called “The Gym”*

You’re welcome.

@TheMichaelRock

No thanks, flu shot. I look forward to three days off from work and returning looking like I was on a diet for six weeks.

@HiddleDeeDee

People who say a child’s laughter is the best sound in the world have clearly never heard my dog eat a crouton.

@Only_Fast_Eddie

People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It’s called arson and those people are called witnesses.

@LipstickSpice

I’m getting married!

Well, I have a new boyfriend!

Okay, I have a date for tomorrow night!

FINE. Shoe salesman said “Come back soon”.

@myonlymizztake

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

@TheAndrewNadeau

If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.

@WittySassBasket

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?