Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars. Goodnight weird guy who walks past my house on crutches every night. Goodnight house on crutches.
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*opens new donut shop called “The Gym”*
No thanks, flu shot. I look forward to three days off from work and returning looking like I was on a diet for six weeks.
People who say a child’s laughter is the best sound in the world have clearly never heard my dog eat a crouton.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It’s called arson and those people are called witnesses.
I’m getting married!
Well, I have a new boyfriend!
Okay, I have a date for tomorrow night!
FINE. Shoe salesman said “Come back soon”.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?