@jazmasta

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars. Goodnight weird guy who walks past my house on crutches every night. Goodnight house on crutches.

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@JillianKarger

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill

@Fred_Delicious

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

@JoParkerBear

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

@Michael1979

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

@Birdhumms

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

@CantWaitToNap

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

@bourgeoisalien

Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”

@WilliamAder

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?