Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
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Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
#Caturday
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.