Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
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you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Owl Sanctuary
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend