Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
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Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”