Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
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I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.