@MavenofHonor

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

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@nyquills

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

@ashleyn1cole

WTF NEW YORK?!?!?! I carried a paper grocery bag with a baguette in it for BLOCKS and NOBODY FELL IN LOVE WITH ME.

@preritpathak

Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like

@Crunk_Jews

[first day as Tour Guide in History Museum]

“And if you look over here you’ll see a lot more really old shit.”

@ThisOneSayz

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

@upsidedowntrash

Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES

@dlicj

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

@ryangriffiths

My dad says that if I don’t stop typing so loudly, he’s gonna slam my face into the fidbdiUHy6hivIifHfGK

@_steamy_mac

I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone that’s not a professional wrestler.

@ambienbabe

I say “fight me” a lot for a girl that’s 5’2″ and has a tough time opening some doors because they’re too heavy.