Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
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I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
