“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
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Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
What’s so funny?
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.